Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”
h/t Zonga.
As a Machinist, that fixes their shit non stop, I’ll sit this one out. Kinda. LOL
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He spots a man down below and lowers the balloon to shout: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”
“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.
“I am” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below says “You must be a manager.”
“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problems. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”
Second engineer was given three options for the takin’:
Clothes – functional and subjective
Bike – functional AND mechanical
Babe – Beauty is…well…Relativity.
Maybe first engineer was correct?
Met some awesome engineers in my time. They all relied on a slide rule. Not sayen the new CAD CAM systems are worthless. Behavioral Engineering. Bi Directional associativity. Really cool stuff. If you know what the fuck you are doing in the first place. SAD. The old timers know their shit.
When someone brags “I’m an engineer”, I reply, “You drive a train?”
A slightly pudgy, balding engineer and his inexplicably hot wife are on a cruise when there is a terrible accident that leaves them, and a handsome Italian steward shipwrecked together on a deserted island. The engineer figures the best way to get rescued is to build a very tall tower and take turns watching for a passing ship to signal. He designs it and together they build the tower. He is oblivious to the way his wife and the steward are eyeing each other. When the tower is constructed the steward quickly volunteers to take the first watch. No sooner is he up to the very top when he yells down “Hey, stop having sex down there!” The engineer yells back “we’re not having sex”. About 15 minutes later the steward again yells “Hey, stop having sex down there!” to which the engineer replies “we’re not having sex”. This continues quite frequently over the rest of the three-hour shift. At the end of the three hours the steward climbs down, and the engineer goes up. As soon as he gets to the top of the tower the engineer looks down and thinks “My gosh, from up here it DOES look like they are having sex down there”.
There are four engineers driving home from a dinner: a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.
“Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again,” says the mechanical engineer.
“Well,” says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.”
“I thought it might be a grounding problem,” says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”
They all turn to the computer engineer who had said nothing. “Well, what do you think?”
“Ummm – how about if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”
A businessman decides to build a wonderful resort right on the beach of a tropical island. Only the best will do. He hires three engineers to oversee the resort construction. He takes the three engineers – German, Japanese, and French to the island. He says to them “The German engineer will oversee the actual construction, the Japanese engineer will procure all the supplies and oversee the logistics, and the French engineer will oversee the artistic aspects”. They agree, and he says he will return in three months to check their progress.
When the businessman returns nothing has been done. He angrily inquires why. The French engineer replies “Well monsieur, zee German has zee design, but I need more materials to continue my work”. The German says “Herr Bossman, I haf ordered the things vee need, yet the Japanese man has not delivered them, in fact vee haf not seen him since you left”. The Frenchman agrees that they haven’t seen the Japanese man in three months. “Well”, says the businessman, “let’s go looking for him”. As they start down the jungle trail, the Japanese engineer startles them by jumping out of the jungle and yells “SUPPLIES”.
Old, but funny.
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, “What’s with these guys? We’ve been waiting for 15 minutes!”
The pastor says, “Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
“Say, George, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” the doctor asks.
The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire and that they come and play for free whenever they want.
The group is silent for a moment.
The pastor says, “That’s so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The engineer says, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”
As a structural engineer, I would find these jokes highly offensive., except I know they only apply to those Mechanical engineers.
Especially the Aging part. . .
http://www.cookingforengineers.com/recipe/38/Prime-Rib-or-Standing-Rib-Roast
“Depending on preference, you can dry age the roast for a few days to bring out additional flavor and produce a more buttery texture in the muscle (aging allows the natural enzymes to break down some of protein in the meat). Age the beef up to a week in the refrigerator by leaving it uncovered on a wire rack over a large pan to catch any drippings for at least a day and no more than seven days. When you are ready to cook the beef, trim off any dried pieces after the aging. It is common for a roast to lose about 10% to 15% of its weight during a week of aging.”
Reliably Repeatable Results
There’s a couple engineers here I would love to work with. Jethro would be one. Smart guy.
I just got one thing to say:
THE MOVIE: “3 Idiots”. Brilliant!
This one wasn’t originally an engineer joke. But we can say Jerry is an engineer to keep it on topic.
Jerry stopped to gas up his car on his way home from the sporting goods store where he had purchased the last 5 boxes of 7.62 they had in stock. He was about to leave after paying for his fuel when a knock out beautiful woman leaned into his widow and said, “I noticed you have 5 boxes of ammo laying in the seat. Since ammo is so hard to find now days. I was wondering if you would be interested in having sex in exchange for a couple of boxes of ammo?
Jerry got real excited about this proposition, after thinking it over for several seconds he replied,”Well, pretty lady that’s a real tempting offer. But first I have to ask, what kind of ammo do you have?”
VIETVET
OW! As a “suit” for over 30 years you really hurt ;me!
I will take my blank to my room and cry for an hour!
Y:ou bad, maen man, you!
BTW. I ALWAYSKNEW!
Just ask me.
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Did you hear about the engineer who was constipated and he used a sliderule to work it out?
Enginner went hunting one day. He came across a beautiful woman in the woods totally naked. She said to him “I’m game!” So he shot her.
@ ghost of col j glover
Disease – via the unintended consequences of babe contact
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer, Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
Thanks Brad.
Next time I am traveling to Northern CA I will look you up.
Funny, but true, story:
A young engineer was working on a project with me. He was designing a small mechanism in 3D CAD. He had designed this really small part, with intricate shapes, following all the proper CAD procedures. He showed it to me and I said it was too small and cannot be made using the manufacturing technology we had or could afford. He looked at me funny and argured that all the geometry was correct. I told him to create a 2D drawing and print it out in full scale. He did – It looked like a mouse turd on the paper. The problem with CAD is you can get lost in the part due to the ability to zoom in really close and forget about the reality of size. You enter parametric values without paying attention to the scale. Designing on the board protects you from that because the pencil is only so narrow…
PS – I’m an engineer. Don’t waste your time criticizing my spelling or grammar. I slept through those classes…
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
As someone who works on cars and trucks (mostly from the 1920’s and 1930’s) I can see why some mechanics have a special place in Hell for some engineers.
https://www.corvetteforum.com/forums/off-topic/3881618-why-mechanics-hate-engineers.html#&gid=1&pid=2
That’s a picture of a starter on a Caddy North Star that is tucked under the intake plenum. An engineer friend actually worked on that innovation and claims it is quite reliable. Of course he never had to replace one.
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.”
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.”
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – now that’s cool.”
@jethro
He scaled the model? Normally the model is created full scale and you scale the drawing plotting.
I started my career drawing with pencils on vellum and Mylar. I don’t miss my electric eraser.
3D modelling is the best tool I have ever used when designing. Of course you still need to understand and use sound engineering principles, as well as manufacturing capabilities.
I’ve worked my whole life as an Engineer. But I wouldn’t say that defines who I am. It’s true that many people in this field are a bit challenged in the social skills arena….Some more than others. But, then again, we’re the ones who devised this world we live in, so I’m okay with our shortcomings.
Two Wimmens study majors were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. An engineer walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said one, “but we don’t have a ladder.”
The engineer took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, “Twenty-one feet, six inches,” and walked away.
One Wimen shook her head and laughed, “A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”
Both Wimmins are currently serving in the United States Congress, reps from California.
@Claudia June 13, 2018 at 1:56 am
That’s a good one, and so true. I has to turn my Lenovo off yesterday and turn it back on immediately to get it to start. What BS. Sheesh. Many years ago Bill Gates said MS would fix all those stupid little problems that we all have with tech.
Back in the 19th Century and before, people did not have to turn off, then turn on their horses again to get them to work.
How can you tell if an engineer is an introvert?
He’s looking down at his shoes.
How can you tell if he’s an extrovert?
He’s looking at your shoes.