These are from Ralph Nelson Willett on Twitter @NorthernOvation I like his Dad jokes!
- Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth… Then it’s a soap opera.
- Confidence: what you start off with before you completely understand the situation.
- I would eat a lot more healthy if salads were made out of tacos.
That should be a good start. How about you?
What did Bill Clinton do with his first fifty cent piece? He married it.😀
I have one but its not clean, so beware.
What do you call a shit who’s parents never got married?
A basturd.
I got mugged by six dwarves.
NOT HAPPY
I spent four years getting a degree in Archaeology.
My life is in ruins.
As Eli Whitney once said – keep your cotton pickin’ hands off my gin!
I was a house painter for seven years. Didn’t think I’d ever get that thing done.
Why doesn’t Michelle Obama ever take the train? Caboose too big for tracks.
I spent a couple of semesters in high school astronomy classes.
My teachers said I was just taking up space.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell “Donald, duck!”
A mostly bald man was given an expensive ivory handled comb and brush for his birthday.
He said: Thanks, I’ll never part with it.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ.
… then I thought, yeah, look who’s telling me that.
If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of Progress? (not mine but I like it)
If you can’t beat them, run like hell.
an Oldie, but goodie
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
Her future sank like a rock when she realized the toilet seat was up.
our band is called ‘999 Megabytes’
… we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
here’s one from a couple of months ago, via AOC
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger
… then it hit me.
Build a man a fire, you keep him warm for a night. Set a man on fire, you keep him warm for the rest of his life.
πr²? No, πr not².
πr round. Cake r².
I bought a book about improving your memory but I forgot to read it.
“We’ve been around for 240 years,” Clinton reflected during the final debate. “We’ve had free and fair elections. We’ve accepted the outcomes when we may not have liked them, and that is what must be expected of anyone standing on a debate stage during a general election.”
I’d like to chime in with this joke thread but I’m so short that the jokes just go over my head…..
For Uncle Al:
⌠ seͯ = seͯ + c
where c is that nagging constant (or constant nagging).
… so this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere …
You non-conformists are all alike.
Another one from Ralph Nelson Willett:
I was just thinking: Ants never get sick. They have anty bodies.
(Alcoholic): If I could drink like a normal person, I’d drink all the time.
Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!
PMS … I just call it ‘ovary-acting’
(I blame Claudia’s post for reminding me of this one 😉 )
Guy at Pete Buttplug rally extends his hand to the former Mayor and says, I’m Thor. Pete replies, use more lube!
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!
What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
1forrest1
Conjunctivitis.com-
It’s a site for sore eyes.
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
The reading of a will is a dead giveaway.
Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was a salted.
Whadya get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Elephino.
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
– G. Carlin
What do you get when you cross an Indian with a Swede?
Ravi-Ole
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
guy takes out a blind date who’s profile says she’s shy & doesn’t like to talk … after a movie & dinner he says ‘what would you like to do?’ she says ‘I wanna get weighed’ … he takes her to a drug store that has one of those scales, gets her up on it & puts in a quarter … he says, ‘ok, now what?’ she says ‘I wanna get weighed!’
he realizes this is getting nowhere, so he drops her off & says good-night … her roommate ask her how her date went … she replies
‘Wowsy!’
It’s rare to get good cell reception at a cemetery. It’s a dead zone.
Two women are walking down the street.
One woman sees the other woman’s husband coming out of a florist’s shop.
She says, “Hey – isn’t that your hubby, carrying two dozen roses?”
The other woman sighs and replies, “Yes it is, damn it, and now I’ll have to keep my legs up in the air for three days.”
The first woman says, “Why don’t you just get a vase?”
h/t Redd Foxx
Guys sitting in a bar by himself enjoying his drink when a voice says you look nice today. He looks around to see who said it but there’s nobody else there. He shrugs his shoulders and goes back to his drink. Suddenly another voice says that’s a very nice suit you have on. Again he looks around to see who said it but again there is nobody else there. Finally he says to the bartender, hey buddy, I don’t know if I’m drunk or losing my mind but I keep hearing voices saying nice things about me. The bartender grins, points to the bar at a bowl of nuts and says don’t worry, it’s these nuts, they’re complimentary.
Did you hear about the guy that broke into the electronics store and stole all the tv and radio remotes?
police are looking for a control freak.
What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex?
Hi hun I’ll be home in 20 minutes
I bought sneakers from a drug dealer I’ve been tripping ever since.
How much did the pirates pay for corn?
A buck an ear
Two wrongs don’t make a right but three left’s do
why didn’t the ghost go to the dance?
He had nobody to go with
(from Ron white) How far can this plane fly on one engine ?
all the wat to the scene of the crash
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
rude lady to waitress: “do you know who I am ?”
Waitress No but if you find your drivers license in your purse it should have your name on it.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
A ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint both crews were marooned
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
A guy asks his mechanic for a rough estimate on repairing his car. Mechanic kicks him in the nuts and says $250.
how does a lumber company know how many trees they cut down ?
They keep a log book
Lady experiencing car trouble while traveling stops at a gas station for help. The mechanic says he’ll take a look to see what the problem is and suggests she go to the diner across the street for a more comfortable wait and come back in an hour.
She comes back after the hour passes and asks the mechanic if he found the problem.
He says: Well lady, looks like you blew a seal.
She says: Oh no, I just had a vanilla soft serve at the diner.
Why doesn’t the secret service yell get down anymore ?
Because when they yelled get down the Obama’s would jump up and boogie
What’s the worst job in the US Navy?
Deck hand on a submarine.
Another automobile joke.
Lady #1 is driving a VW, and it starts to sputter and cough. She pulls over to the right shoulder and the VW comes to a complete stop. She tries to start it but it won’t turn over. She gets out and pops the hood.
Just then, lady #2, also driving a VW pulls over and stops, gets out and asks Lady #1 what the problem is. Lady #1 says: look at the engine compartment, I think I lost my engine, Oh, it must have fallen out…see there is nothing there.
Lady #2 says: Oh, no problem, I’ve got a spare engine in my trunk, you can have that one.
Chinese restaurant has a dish called The Mother and Child Reunion.
It’s a chicken and egg dinner.
Back in WWII, there was a Japanese Kamikaze pilot who flew 59 missions.
https://twitter.com/Dadsaysjokes
All my life I’ve wanted to learn how to juggle.
I just never had the balls to do it.
ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
JANUARY 18, 2020 AT 9:26 PM
‘Wowsy!’
…it’s late and no one’s gonna see this, plus I’ve told it before, but since no one’s gonna know about it but me anyway, here goes…
…one time, a farmer in Upstate NY was advertising a filly for sale. He advertised in papers that included NYC for maximum coverage, even though he hated “city folk”
…sure enough, one came to see the horse. He was the owner of many race horses and no rancher himself, but he insisted on checking out every horse personally. The farmer loathed him on sight because he was a dandy, clothed in fancy duds and expensive shoes that had no business in a stable and he spoke with a heavy lisp that the farmer was pretty sure meant he was gay or some other kind of NYC pervert, but even WORSE he was a midget and told the farmer he’d have to hold him up to thoroughly examine the filly before he would buy her.
The farmer was upset by his sissy ways, was upset that he had so much trouble understanding him, and REALLY didn’t want to touch him, but this horse wasn’t selling and he was desperate for the cash, so he reluctantly consented.
First he told the farmer, “lift me up so I can thee her eyeths”. The farmer did so, and the midget stroked her eyelids up and said “She haths nice eyethes. Now let me thee her theeth”. The farmer lowered him slighly, and the midget pulled back her lips to look and said, “She haths good theeth, throng and healthey. I think Ith liketh her a lot, so now I wanna thee her twat”.
…THIS one pushed the farmer over the edge. In a rage he grabbed the midget roughly by his collar, stalked around to the rear of the horse, and jammed the midget’s face violently into the surprised animal’s vagina.
“YA, YOU LITTLE CREEP! GET A GOOD LOOK, YOU PERVERTED HORSE HUMPER! YOU LIKE THAT TWAT, HUH, HUH? I SHOULD DROWN YOU IN IT!”.
…he finally pulled the midget back and disgustedly threw him on the largest pile of manure in the stable and glared at him.
…the midget then staggered to his feet, wiped the horse’s fluids and feces from his eyes and mouth, and said to the farmer “you didn’t understandth. I wanted to thee her run”.
@TimBuktu (at 1:15 am): I think I read about that guy. They called him “Chicken” Chow Mein.
TimBuktu JANUARY 19, 2020 AT 1:05 AM
“Chinese restaurant has a dish called The Mother and Child Reunion.
It’s a chicken and egg dinner.”
…yeah, “chicken”, lets go with that…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z8zEfYbsrr0
^^^ Reminds me of the old Cheech and Chong skit from years ago: The Carrier instructor talks to the pilots about the duties of a Kamikaze pilot: “Ok men, after you drop your one torpedo you crash your plane into the enemy.
Any krestions?
One pilot stands up …
Yes honorable Instructor, are out of your fucking mind?”
A guy asked me if I wanted to go scuba diving. I told him, no tanks.
What do gay horses eat? HaaaaaY!
A panda finishes his meal at a restaurant. He gets up, pulls out a pistol and kills several people before walking out. 911 is called and the police arrest him down the street. While being questioned why he did it he asks for a dictionary. He opens it to the word Panda and told the police to read it. The detective reads aloud, “Panda, a fur bearing mammal indigenous to China. Eats shoots and leaves”.
They say three things go as you get older, your eye sight, your hearing and I can’t remember the third.
Peanut!