Chess grandmaster Hans Niemann has officially been cleared of outrageous allegations that he used vibrating anal beads to cheat, after it was revealed that he and two top rivals have resolved their legal dispute on the controversy outside of court.
The American player, already a chess prodigy at just 20, sued Norway’s Magnus Carlsen, currently the world’s top ranked chess player, and another highly-ranked player, Hikaru Nakamura, for defamation.
(Not defecation?? -bfh)
He was seeking an eyewatering $100 million in the lawsuit, filed in a federal court in Missouri, which claimed that Nakamura and Carlsen had ruined his career with allegations that he had cheated in ranked matches.
He added that he’d be happy to play a game of chess while naked: ‘They want me to strip fully naked? I’ll do it. I don’t care because I know that I’m clean and I’m willing to subject myself to what you want me to play.’
The main theory was that he could have had a wirelessly vibrating set of anal beads that could be used to communicate with chess players who were remotely watching the livestreamed match.
Chess fans believed that Niemann could have used this technology to get other experienced players to come up with on-the-fly strategies for him to use.
While there was no evidence for the bizarre theory, Niemann was body-scanned shortly before entering a tournament just a few weeks later.
Reporters at the time could be heard laughing as Niemann turned around to be inspected by a security guard.
Was this just a ploy to make chess more appealing to the perverts & weirdos?
Looks like we have a clear winner for Jackass Joe’s new Ass-Finding Czar!
“Chess Grandmaster is Cleared of Using Vibrating Anal Beads to Cheat”
Oh my!
Wouldn’t using anal beads to cheat be a real pain in the ass?
The DOJ needs to closely examine this…very closely.
Wouldn’t this require that whoever is watching the match be smarter than a Grand Master?
And also nastier.
Grand Master sounds like KKK! MUST CANCEL!!!
How is being naked going to resolve whether he has something up his ass or not?
Sounds like someone was sending the wrong signal.
WTF are vibrating anal beads anyway????
Rumor had it that ‘Vibrating Anal Beads’ were invented by Brian Williams. However, recent revelations confirm they were actually developed by Bathtub Boy, Keith Olbermann, and tested by ‘Tingle Down His Leg’ Chris Mathews, at Obama’s White House.
Inquiring minds want to know – when he gets worried, does he strum his anal beads?
I’m reminded of…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zI-r8ymnVvo
This makes me wonder why accuser Magnus Carlsen made the accusations. How was he aware these devices existed? You know…projection…accusing others of what you are actually guilty of…
How do you communicate using vibrating beads in your ass? Morse code?
How do you reply? Farts?
This sounds like a great way to cheat on the GRE or LSAT… (cough!)… So I’ve heard.
Even chess is now clouded by low and disgusting accusations. Very disgusting.
I hope he got a lot of those guys’ money. They should be sued just for making such a disgusting idea known to the general public.
I’ve had a mouthful of his vibrating anal beads!
Well, I don’t actually know who last used em …
The guy is a know cheater. His head is up his ass.
For God’s sake! Vibrating anal beads?? No wonder there is an entire aisle out of the five total at Walgreens dedicated to less than 1% of the entire body, a broken or injured asshole. Stop shoving objects up your asshole already. It isn’t made for that.
Rumor has it, Obama was the White House chess champ during his reign as Communist in Chief.
Vibrating Anal Beads … lemme guess … invented in France?
mortem tyrannis
izlamo delenda est …
He is a chess genius, using the anal bead theory he no doubt started himself to distract from the super computer coke bottle glasses. What a twisted gambit, either way he wins, cause he knows his pipes are clean.
Now that’s a Real Man of Genius…
Wouldn’t that be “Glandmaster”?