Biden Noir – IOTW Report

Biden Noir

Tuesday, 27 October 2020, 21:30 Dr. Tar Uncategorized 57

Step One. Darken the lights, take out a shot glass or two of your favorite rot gut and play this YouTube Video. Here

Step Two. Read this attempt at a crime story opening in the voice of the famous film noir detectives.

It was a typical December in Wilmington. The world was either dead or asleep outside the Mac Store and business wasn’t much better. That’s when he walked in, all bleary eyed, with teeth like the Grand Tetons. He handed over a machine still sticky from some drink or something grosser being spilled across the keyboard. “Fix it,” he said, “and there’ll be an extra $20 in it for you.”

That was six months ago. I’ve tried calling the jerk, sending text messages and still no reply. That’s when I thought again about that sticker plastered over the top, “Beau Biden Institute,” and I thought to myself, “Nah, it couldn’t be his brother’s, could it?” That’s when I cracked open a cold beer and tapped the only thing still salvageable on the unclaimed computer, the hard drive.

Cracked Lips Sink Daddy’s Ship

Step Three. What classic detective story title would you give this novel? Feel free to write your own crime story or add a few paragraphs to the beginning of this one, but you can’t work on it any longer than the sound track lasts.

57 Comments on Biden Noir

  4. “April Fools”

    Hunter dropped off the laptop at the shop within days of Joe declaring his candidacy for President. They have the receipts. Doomed, from the start. It doesn’t get more noir than that.

    ::grinds cigarette in ashtray::

    9

  5. “Out of the Dopper’s Hazy Past” Everybody dies, Humper, I just want you to die first.

    “Humperblanca”: If that Chinese sampan leaves Wilmington without your hard drive, Humper, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of the miserable, lousy, drug addled life. Get on the goddamned sampan!

    “The Godfather’s Idiot Son”: Take the hard drive. Leave the cannoli.

    6

  6. “… cold beer … ” wtf? this is Noir baby doll!

    “… working the late shift at Mac’s, breaking up hard drives w/ a hammer, as I poured me another 3 fingers of cheap, rotgut scotch … no ice … she walked in. had a pair of gams that ran all the way up to her neck. she sauntered over, sat herself on my desk, crossed those gorgeous legs, leaned over & lit my cigarette, that I had just rolled, & was dangling, dumbly from my open mouth. “You look like you’ve never seen a woman before.” … after a few flecks of drool dropped from my lip, I pithily retorted, “Not one built like you, doll … you put the swizzle in my stick”. she gave a small chuckle & grinned, “Got a proposition for ya, if you can get the blood rushing to your brain, instead of your little head.” I was beginning to like this dame & was thinking about the beautiful music we could make together when she dropped the bombshell. “I want you to find ‘verification’ of Hunter Biden’s laptop. Find it, & who knows … you’re cute enough, you might get lucky, sport.”

    … to be continued

    17

  10. Are you kidding? The entire escapade is a typical story of the democrat horse-shit.
    Some make it big while others make it bigger.

    The only ones to lose are the American patriots.

    5

  14. Dam that laptop from hell! The thing has left the main stream media twisting in the wind like a strip of flypaper that’s been hanging from the ceiling far too long. Inconvenient facts clinging like so many dead flies on the sticky surface.

    “You might just be on to something here.”- Dr. Tar

    5

  19. “I was sitting in my fix it shop on that drizzly afternoon, gumshoes anxiously resting atop my desk, listening to the monotonous staccato of rain on my floor, and reading my name through the glass on my shop door: it-xiF .rM caasI caM lauP nhoJ and rolling another funny cigarette when through the door came the longest pair of stems that ever graced a skirt” (alt. beginning…in stumbled the vp’s son smelling like the leftovers from the land fill)

    Stacey Keach, Humphrey Bogart and James Garner and Nick Danger all played Marlo and did it extremely well. Well, maybe not firesign theatre, but it was funny as hell

    7

  21. one of the best detective noir movies ” Out of the PAST’ Jane Greer Robert Mitchum Kirk Douglas 1947

    That was on TCM recently. They run it a few times a year. Ever see “Pick Up on South Street”? Richard Widmark at his finest. – Dr. Tar

    6

  23. Just then, my ex-lover, cheating whore wife of my dead brother, mother of the eye-candy I was unwrapping, came in and tried to talk to me about morals. Imagine that.

    I looked at her. Cocked my head and put the cigarette to my cracked, dry lips and said-

    “You don’t get to tell me what I’m doing! You’re too old for me anymore, anyway. Shut your whore mouth and hand me my laptop on your way out.”

    She angrily spun around and reached for the place where my laptop has always been, but wasn’t anymore. Maybe it was a good thing because sure as shit, she’d have thrown it at me.

    She said, “Your laptop’s missing.”

    I jumped out of my sex swing.
    SHIT!!!

    – Excerpt from Chapter 3. ‘I don’t want her sandwiches anymore’

    That had me laughing like I had smoked too many Camels for too many years. – Dr. Tar

    15

  40. Ghost of General Glover: That’s Jane Greer in “Out of the Past” with Robert Mitchum and Kirk Douglas. It’s considered to be the greatest Film Noir ever made by many serious noir addicts. She played Kathie, and Mitchum played Jeff, who told her: “You’re like a leaf that the wind blows from one gutter to another. You can’t help anything you do, even murder.”

    4

  45. Then there was a knock at the door, and a little girl yelled, “how dare you”. Thinking she might be a dangerous runaway from the asylum up the road, I slammed the door, breaking her nose.

    6

  56. The Shanghai Gesture (1941)
    The world depicted in the film is debauched and lawless and the pinnacle of that comes during the Chinese New Year celebration: Mother Jill Biden opens the curtains to her balcony, revealing to her guests what is happening outside. On the street below is a crowd of BLM, howling up into the sky. Hovering over the crowd is a series of suspended cages, and in each cage is a case of Air Jordans. The shoes are terrified. They have clearly been dragged from the street, drugged, probably raped, and then hung up for all to see in cages by, Hunter. You can see the terror in their faces, in the way they try to bring their dangling shoe strings up into the cages for protection. It’s a scene worthy of Margaret Atwood’s creepiest futuristic fantasies, and, for me, it’s one of the takeaway scenes of the film. It comes into my mind often.
    apologies to Shelia O’Malley

    1

Comments are closed.

iOTWreport.com ©2024 ----- iOTWreport is not responsible for the content of comments. All opinions in comments are solely the commenter's.