ArsTechnica: In “triumph of ignorance,” Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop touts $135 coffee enema.
To be clear, the caffeinated “deep detoxification” is a stupid and dangerous idea.
Down the hatch, coffee can jump start a day. But, according to dubious advice from Gwyneth Paltrow’s posh lifestyle and e-commerce site, Goop, the popular brew can also kick off a whole year—when taken up the bum.
Yes, Goop suggests that a coffee enema is a “clutch” way to “supercharge” your “annual goop detox” and start the year in tip-top health. In its latest guide for “deep detoxification,” the Goop team recommends a device called an “Implant O’Rama” for squirting coffee up your keister at home. The product, sold by Implant O’Rama LLC for a bargain $135, is merely a glass bottle with silicone tubing attached. read more
Shove it up your ass Gwyneth.
Sorry, that was too easy.
My daughter tells me that coffee already makes her poop. So why spend $135 for a coffee enema and just allow nature to take its course. All coffee does for me is me make me pee.
Conversation at Starbucks:
Yes, I’d like a caffe’ latte, double shot espresso, low fat milk in an Implant O’Rama and the key to the restroom, please.
I’d hate to be the designated employee to have to clean that crapper after all those coffee enemas. POOIEE! And talk about overpriced coffee, $135 just so they can take a dump, no thanks.
What a nutcase — she also recommends steam-cleaning her vagina !!
Any sane marbles floating around her brain anymore ?
Gwyneth, recommend you put it in your ear because you’re shit for brains!
Knock yourself out.
Can anyone explain the Left’s obsession with their 💩?!?!?!
It’s getting harder every year to tell which stories are real.
GOOP = Gwyneth Overcharging Obtuse People
Whatshername, their poop don’t smell.
Goop, where you buy stuff for your poop!
“The best part of waking up is Folger’s up your butt!”
I think a lot of these ideas begin with ‘I’m bored. And rich. What should we do now?’
To complete this procedure Gwyneth would first have to remove her head from her ass.
Uhhhh. Yeah. When faced with medical dilemma, first place that comes to mind is Hollywood. You betcha. Why pay med school graduates big bucks when HS dropouts confidently manifest their superior wisdom, usually for free? Only problem is that most Hollywood experts are busy with Awards banquets, sexual gratification, experiencing street drugs, hating on America, and tearing President Trump apart to address my concerns. So I’m stuck with having to pay a licensed MD with years of experience. Dang.
What is it about the unhealthy obsession with biological functions?
God made the perfect system for cleaning the body of waste yet these fools spend time and treasure coming up with ways to interfere with God’s plan.
Frankly, anyone who engages in these practices should be declared mentally unstable.
I like a professional hosebag who fixates on keeping her inputs clean. From rock crushing, steam-cleaned vahjayjays to sandblasted colons.
My question is what does she clean her mouth with.
What an amazing country!
That morons can take the advice of a moron!
Back in the Middle Ages most of the morons were ensconced in their castles, doing moronic stuff, out of the sight of the humans. The morons in the ranks and files of the peasantry usually died before passing their genes along.
After the advent of “self-rule” we have morons representing other morons, and after the discovery of television we get to watch their antics and follies, on a daily basis. And MOVIES! Let’s not forget the plethora of morons contributing to the acting, production, and distribution of movies! I swear, we would be vastly less entertained without our morons.
God Bless America!
God Bless our Morons!
God Bless Gwyneth Paltrow, a moron among morons.
izlamo delenda est …
Yes, pretentious Starbuck’s employee–I would love an Asspresso.
Perhaps she should schedule a colonoscopy. An shut the hell up.
This freakshow gives her mommy parts an herbal steam cleaning, sticks a cup of joe in her ass, AND tells people about it. I don’t care about the weird stupid crap people do, hell, drive ring shank nails into your forehead and set yourself on fire – don’t care. Just have sense enough not to tell the world what a jackwagon you are. I’m embarrassed for this person, she’s so insecure that she needs people to talk about her even if it’s just to remark upon how damaged she is.
How long will her fortune last when some poor bastard with a heart condition dies from the caffeine surge.
Some idiot tried that with alcohol when he had an ulcer and couldn’t drink. Kilt himself deader’n hell
So if you drink instant coffee will it make you have an instant bowel movement the moment you leave the coffee shop?
We must first understand that her advice makes perfect sense to those in her world who regularly take it up the ass.
Only if yer blonde…
They do sell blonde coffee you know, a very light roast.
The Lenny Bruce bio tells of a time that he and a couple friends broke into a pharmacy…Lenny spotted morphine suppositories and was highly excited, the other guys told him he wouldn’t get off on them. He said he didn’t g.a.f., he just liked puttin’ stuff up his ass.
Remember that Paltrow did not appear in any successive Avengers /Iron Man movies becuase she thought she should make as much as the lead.
Those solid gold vibrators, vajajay steam cleans, and espresso enemas don’t pay for themselves. It’s not called Hollyweird for nothing.
As soon as she is off camera, she’s sticking stuff up her nether regions where they don’t belong.
Here, Gwyneth – do this:
1. Buy a Fleet® disposable enema.
2. Pour out the contents.
3. Refill with a cup of black coffee (preferably at no more than 100 degrees F). Folgers Columbian has a nice flavor, but any caffeinated brand will do.
4. Stick the business end of the enema bottle where sunlight fears to venture.
5. Squeeze.
There – I just saved you 130 bucks.
You’re welcome.
🙂
Weird. There was a long medical “fad” for enemas from around 1900 to the 1930s. All sorts of dubious medical benefits were claimed.
Drugstores sold home enema kits that looked like rubber hot water bags with hoses. The market was exclusively female.
$135? Paltrow’s not crazy. Or stupid.
She’s a shrewd PT Barnum capitalist who understands perfectly her foolish and gullible and attention-starved audience.
Just fish the hose up your ass, blow a mouthful of coffee down the other end of hose and skip an unnecessary step Gwyneth.
Hope this helps!
It’s a wonder anyone would want to work with her on a movie. The smell alone would be impossible to get past.
She did try to shove Obama down our throats before:
—Gwyneth Paltrow about Obama, in a fundraiser at her house:
“It would be wonderful if we were able to give this man all of the power that he needs to pass the things that he needs to pass,”
“you’re so handsome that I can’t speak properly.”
(Thinking about it, if the Democratic Party is broken, what he did with all the money he raised – I remember his beloved traffic jams during all his administration…)
http://washex.am/1qxlkXo
Oatmeal makes me poop
Gwyneth makes me puke
A friends fourth cousin twice removed told me that Gwennie brushes her teeth with her own urine. She says the uratic acid in urine takes the tartar off really well. I’ll just take her word for it.
GEEZ! I need new glasses. I thought that was a “b” after the “O'”.
I heard anal sex clogs people up
Sure worked well for Steve McQueen. He’d certainly testify in support of Paltrow….. except for the fact that he died from the same cancer that her coffee enema was supposed to cure!
@Rufus T. Firefly: They were still selling those things into the 1950’s and 60’s, except they were usually multi-purpose. They could be used for douche, enema, or hot water bag, depending on what you needed at the moment. We had one in the bathroom back in those days.
Here’s an example:
https://www.ebay.com/itm/Vintage-Davol-Comfy-Combination-No-12-Water-Bottle-Syringe-Enema-Kit-w-Box/332494320203?_trkparms=aid%3D222007%26algo%3DSIM.MBE%26ao%3D1%26asc%3D20160908110712%26meid%3D42cee3d80267450b9c67a4e5f224172f%26pid%3D100677%26rk%3D7%26rkt%3D28%26sd%3D302583427618&_trksid=p2385738.c100677.m4598
P.S. – It was also a popular belief among older parents at the time that most children’s stomach-related ailments could be cured with a good dose of laxatives and/or an enema, in order to “clean out” the kid’s system.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Did Gwyneth mention if the coffee tasted funny after the enema?
Would it be called a latte when she has her coffee and hoohaa steam at the same time?
It is quire possible that she just likes to shove thing up her but.
📣 WHEN TO START PUTTING THIS IN YOUR BUTT 📣
(help guide to understanding human behavior)
🌟 Are you wealthy and have nothing to do? Start obsessing about your butt, and how to put things in it to look cultured and knowledgeable.
🌟 Are you doing all-gender initiations? You’ll probably have something stuck up your butt. If you let something in your no-no zone, you REALLY want to be in the club.
🌟 Do you want to show your lover you are adventurous? You might want to consider having that person shove something up your butt.
🌟 The ancient Greeks didn’t have anal boy love (Jstor article) it was rubbed between the thighs. But don’t let that stop you from pretending they had anal sex. Go ahead and put that thing in your butt anyway. You’re “cultured.”
🌟 Bored? But pretty confident you can get it back out if it goes in too far? Well, you were wrong weren’t you. The hard part isn’t getting a doctor to pull it out, it’s the explaining.
🌟 So you thought you could clean your butt really well with bar soap did you? I mean, really get up in there and make it clean as a whistle. Betcha don’t do that again.
Hope this helps clarify things.
I was going to try to write something witty but I can’t match the comments here. This is like the funniest thread ever on IOTW, seriously I am 2x over in laughter. Maybe I’m easily amused. Fur you have some smart alecky commenters here (keeps me coming back).
Holy crap, Vietvet! That link went to eBay – they are selling a USED one!
EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWUUUUUUUUUUUUU!
My bet is she uses Kopi Luwak Coffee, aka Palm Civet Cat Poop Coffee, the most expensive coffee in the world. ( I have to credit the movie, The Bucket List, for making me know this)
Made from coffee beans that have already been through the critters intestines. It’s all Green Recycling, Save the Planet, don’t ya know. And I’m sure only the most expensive products are good enough for her.
So yeah, she may indeed think the coffee taste 2x as good after a second pass through lower intestines.
http://www.most-expensive.coffee/ .
Why am I expecting Keurig to come out with a coffee pod shaped a bit differently?
The “Paltrow Pendejo” blend. ‘Ass seen in Hollywood!’
@vietvet Don’t ask me how I know this.
Actually it’s a bigger shock wondering why you know where to buy this product today. Than how you know about this.
@Claudia – Holy crap indeed. Ha ha, good one.
Celebrities are obsessed with enemas. They see it as a way to keep weight down.
Some see them as a way to enhance other areas of life.
Remember the oxygen enemas in the 90’s?
These people are whack jobs.
@Vietvet, I remember being very young and visiting an elderly relative. There was a curious rubber device and a lot of strange tubing in her bathroom. I was curious and asked the adults present what it was for. We were all at the dinner table at the time. It was many years before I got my answer. The innocence of childhood, pre-internet.
Paltrow is the daughter of Blythe Danner and IIRC Bruce Dern. Crazy like a fox.
True story. A man I worked with apparently was suffering from constipation. His wife called the doctor and he suggested a soapy enema. She used TIDE!. He was a bit raw for a few days.
Gwyneth just likes things in her pooper. This isn’t the first of her backdoor suggestions. I think for Gwyneth, the day goes something like this: I’m confused. I don’t know which way is up. I love Hillary. I hate myself. Gee, how to clear the mind? I know! I’ll shove something up my ass! That’ll hurt like hell, and I won’t be able to think about anything else!
A student nurse was giving her patient a coffee enema. As soon as the coffee started going in the patient shuddered and yelled ‘YIKES’. The student asked ‘too hot?’ The patient said ‘No, too much sugar..’
☕ NO WAY AM I DOING THIS! ☕
I drink an Espresso and my hands start shaking from caffeine overdose.
You think I want a twitchy asshole at work for 4 straight hours? I have meetings! 😓
@Blink: It was very easy to find out where to buy these things today. I simply Googled “vintage enema bags” and up popped a plethora of pictures and sources. Try it if you don’t believe me.
@Claudia: Since I doubt if they are making these things anymore, probably the only way you could get one is to buy it used. Don’t worry, though – you can always get Gwyneth to steam clean it for you.
😉
@Vietvet
Re: Link to ebay.
I can’t believe anyone would by a USED enema kit. Would anyone buy used condoms? “Like New! Only used once!”
How soon before Hollywood makes it fashionable to ingest E COLI so that a person can spray every last drop out of their colon?
@Mithrandir: Well, if you think about it, this product was meant to be used over and over again, albeit usually by members of the same family, and only after the appropriate parts had been washed thoroughly. So unless you subscribe to the theory that other people’s germs are deadlier than yours and could survive boiling water, Lysol, etc., you could safely use it if you wanted to, after making sure that it was thoroughly sanitized to your satisfaction.
I mean, when you dine in a public restaurant you are eating with utensils that have been in God knows how many thousands of other people’s dirty, filthy, possibly disease-ridden mouths, and yet that doesn’t bother you, right?
Well, it may now, I suppose…
😉
Oh. I know how to search for stuff. But I never search for certain items. I apologize, nothing serious meant, just pulling your leg a bit, hoping to prompt another of your humorous lines. That I greatly enjoy.
@Blink: No need to apologize – we’re all having fun here.
BTW, I figured you weren’t serious, but in case you were, I described how I got my info. I’m sure there were others who were curious, too.
As you doubtless know, used enema bags are not the weirdest things sold on the Internet, by far. Ever heard of the “Accommodator”?:
(WARNING: NSFW)
https://www.amazon.com/Accommodator-Latex-Dong-Ivory-Original/dp/B00GIXBM7S
🙂
@Vietvet
I don’t know man. I’m pretty suspicious even buying a used mattress not knowing what lurks inside of it, I’m pretty certain people aren’t going to clean out their used enema bag and tubes with any more vigor.
At first I thought it was a drip you could fill with your favorite fluid, and suck on while watching the game, like a king or something. Boy, what a shock that would have been….
@Mithrandir: The key thing here is that you don’t depend on other people to clean stuff for you – you do it yourself, to your level of satisfaction. If you bought a used set of china at an estate sale, you wouldn’t just take it home and immediately start serving food on it, right? It’s the same principle.
P.S. – I would never by a used mattress under any circumstances. You can’t boil them like you can other things. And bedbugs are making a comeback in recent times.