I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy”. Some days I just wait at a green light till I am feeling good about myself.
My Aunt bought a cured ham for her Sunday’s dinner. I have to wonder, what disease it was cured of?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Just so you know, last week I was diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. The clinical term for it is Feefiphobia.
Ok, your turn!
My daughter gave me a calendar with daily dad jokes for my birthday. I skimmed through the whole thing, looked at her and said “I know all these already”.
You’re American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you’re in the bathroom? European.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Here’s a very dated Dad joke I remember from The Johnny Carson Show, from America’s divorced Dad himself.
Imagine if Carmen Miranda was going to marry Yves Montand, but she had to brush out her hair first because it was so messed up from the fruit she normally wore on her head.
Then…
She’ll be Carmen Miranda-Montand when she combs.
(you may have to sing that last sentence to get it)
Trypanophobia
I didn’t want to have kids so I got a vasectomy but when I got home they were still there.
37 mathematicians enter a bus with only 36 seats. How do they do it? They carry the one.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
A few cows were smoking dope and playing poker. The stakes were high that night.
Dodge Dart should be what you DO in traffic, NOT the traffic itself.
Why does a bean salad have exactly 239 beans?
Because one more would be too farty.
I used to be indecisive now I’m not so sure.
Why are some mothers so strong?
From raising dumbbells…
I told that in front of my 24 year old son and he said “you sayin’ I’m a dumbbell?”
To which I replied “Your mother is strong in many ways but not that athletic… so maybe you were a roll of quarters…”
That gave him a laugh
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Argo.
Argo who?
Argo fuck yourself.
Dad told me that one when I was six. Of course, I told it to all my friends at school. Some kids’ parents wouldn’t let their kids come to my house after that.
Someone asked me if I was either ignorant or indifferent. I told him I don’t know and I don’t care.
Dad joke huh. My oldest son got flooded out of his house here in NorCal. They’re living with us. With their two kids. I can deal with the kids and even his wife. I guess the jokes on me. Sheeeeeit. No end in sight.
Did you know that trees poop?
You didn’t?
Well, where is you think #2 pencils came from?
How about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Fornication.
…
(every time I tell this one, the other person pauses right here, not knowing where this is going. It’s beautiful.)
…
Fornication who?
Fornication like this, you should wear a black tie.
I have no idea what “HD” is, but my doctor says I have 80 of them things.
I asked my wife how she would rate my listening skills.
She said, “You’re an eight on a scale of ten.”
… I just can’t figure out why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton…
Q.
A big moron and a little moron are standing on a bridge. One of them falls off. Which one?
A. The big moron, of course. The other one is a little more on.
What’s the difference between and alligator and a crocodile?
One you will see later, but the other in a while.
Why don’t Jim Jones jokes work?
The punch line is too long.
How do you know the cheese isn’t yours?
…
It’s nacho cheese.
Many a mosquito weigh a pound and sit on the tree and bark.
These jokes are funny, but they’re so old: the last time I heard any of them, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.
Did you hear about the queer bear that laid his paw on the table?
What’s the temperature inside a dead tauntaun?
Lukewarm.
Did you hear about the skeleton that walked into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop?….
My wife asked me if I had seen the dog bowl.
I didn’t know he could.
I asked my wife when her birthday was. She said “March 1st”.
I walked around the room and asked again.
Sorry, stole them off the Dad Joke compilation video.
I told my Mom I’d be good for a dollar.
She said, “No”.
I said I’d be good for a quarter.
She said, “No, I want you to be good for nothing”.
What was the one-legged man doing at the ATM?
Checking his balance.
*ba da BAD*
I’m taking my gal down to Florida.
You going to Tampa with her?
Mi am I !!
Did you hear about the man with 5 penises?
His pants fit like a glove 🧤.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back when you throw it?
a stick
what do yo call a stick that comes back to you when you throw it? A boomerang. LOL
(I stole this for Zonga.)
A woman in a bikini reveals approx. 96% of her body.
But I’m polite, I only look at the covered parts.
Wouldn’t hurt a fly unless it was open.
Born in the streets of Albuquerque – drew a good crowd.
If a stork delivers a straight baby – what delivers a gay baby? A swallow.
Two gunfighters squared off in a town in Arizona. One was black. He was badly outdrawn and went down. As he was dying his opponent approached him and said ‘we don’t have a name for this town yet – any ideas?’ to which he replied ‘You muh …” His opponent said ‘that’s great thanks!!’
Asked the wife for some Jewish wine.
She said “I want to go to Miami…”
I’m going to try Jewish foreplay tonight.
Four hours of begging an pleading.
How do you know when the Jewish woman has an orgasm?
She drops her nail file
I could go on but I’ve probably pissed off enough people already.
(I wasn’t in the jewelry business for nothing…)
I have a client that had a peek-a-boo accident that put her in ICU.
It is illegal to laugh “loudly and heartily” in Hawaii. If you laugh in Hawaii it has to be a-low-HA
A truck carrying dinosaur bones overturned on the freeway, it was a tyrannosaurus wreck!
Someone broke into the local Best Buy and stole all the TV remotes, police are looking for a control freak.
My phone can’t see a thing, ever since it lost it’s contacts
A black bear at the Miami zoo had badly rotted teeth so the zoo had to remove all his teeth. Now he is a gummy bear
The constipated mathmetician – he worked it out with a pencil.
Chines Novel: The Brown Spot on the Wall, by Hu Flung Dung.
An 83 yr old man goes to confession at the Catholic Church.
The man says to the priest, “I had sex with two 19 yr old cheerleaders at the same time and I’m here to confess.”
The priest says, “Well, my son. I appreciate that but you’re not Catholic. You don’t have to tell me that.”
He says, “Oh, I know. But I’m telling everybody!”
These are great!
Little Dirty Johnny was walking in the park with his daddy and they saw a pair of dogs doing ‘it’. Johnny asked, what are they doing daddy? Making a puppy, he replied.
Later that night, daddy forgot to close the bedroom door and Johnny passed by and saw what was going on and Johnny asked, what are you doing? Making a baby brother or sister Johnny, he replied. Johnny said, awe heck, flip her over dad, I’d rather have a puppy.
GREAT! PLEAS DO AGAIN – OFTEN
EFDMY
Bill Daily
Why don’t cannibals like clowns … they taste funny.
Novel – The Wildcats Revenge, By Claude Balls
OK, enough with the dad jokes already, dad jokes rule! I’d never heard the Claude Balls joke before, that one was particularly funny that I’ll have to tell that one to my son. And from my dad jokes calendar from the other day, What do clouds wear? Thunderwear. There can never be enough dad jokes ever.
I spotted an albino Dalmation yesterday.
It was the least I could do!
(stolen from Woodsterman)
Was the albino dalmation’s name Whitey and not spot?
geoff – I dunno, but Not Spot sounds like what they would name the dog on that old show Dinosours 🙂
“The Open Kimono” by Seymour Hairs.
“The African Princess” by Erasmus B. Black.
And now a couple of classic 3rd grade jokes told on playgrounds during recess. The books, Under the grandstands by I Seymour Butts and Yellow River by I P Freely.
‘Under the Grand Stands’ by Seymor Butts
‘The Bearded Chinaman’ by Harry Chin
‘Rusty Bedsprings’ by I.P. Nightly
‘The Dummy’s Guide to Fall Clean Up’ by Ray King
From one of my favorite running gags, the classic WB cartoon with Bugs Bunny, Yosemite Sam and Fearless Freep. I still laugh at that one every time that I see it.
Are I P Nightly and I P Freely brothers by any chance?
I dunno if they’re brothers, but I’m pretty sure they’re all wet!
Kel Varnsen – Nancy Drew and two men died.
Here’s a vintage joke TRF – The railroad was expanding and an old Indian chief named Bowels was living in his tee pee right on the right of way. They offered him money – but he said ‘Bowels no move’. They offered him trinkets and squaws and buffalos and still – ‘Bowels no move’. Fed up and frustrated, someone came up with the idea of putting ex lax in his porridge. After about a month of this, Chief Bowels showed up at the local fort surrendering. After thanking him for his cooperation, the commander asked him why he changed his mind. Bowels responded – ‘Bowels have to move – tee pee full of schitt !!’.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Supplies!
My girlfriend has one leg shorter than the other… her name is Eileen.
How do you get Dragon Milk? Find a cow with short legs.
What do you call a Chinese guy with one testicle? Won hung lo.
Four consecutive signs seen on a highway:
Soft Shoulders
Dangerous Curves
Merge
Watch For Children
Worst job in the Navy: Deck Hand on a Submarine.