Odd Vintage Ads

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Makes a square egg.

Finally! These oblong eggs are driving me crazy, and my chicken refuses to cooperate.

I also have a contraption that’ll make sugar cubes round.

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With the purchase of your first tube of Cube Lube they’ll also ship you a book on how to talk to girls.

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Wouldn’t a big umbrella that covers your head and the cigarette be a better idea? If the cigarettes don’t give you cancer this product will give you pneumonia.

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The ad says the air on your hips will balance the air in your lungs and won’t tip you upside down… until you exhale.

It ships with a booklet that teaches you to sign the words “I’m Drowning” with your feet.

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Your dog rides comfortably outside the car in a sack, until you have a collision with another car.

Then your dog can be comfortably disposed of in the sack.

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This thing cures diseases of the head. The first sign that you have a disease of the head is when you ordered this thing.

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The family bicycle (with sewing machine.)

The sewing machine is actually a clever addition. Mom can make slings, bandages and tourniquets as they tool down the thoroughfare.

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In thirty days you’ll have a beard and mustache, and some ear and nose hair. Guaranteed.

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Okay, I understand. This is a pouch for you nuts. Why you need this to “tramp” all day is a bit mysterious to me. But the truly odd part is why they say this product stands out from others.

“No scratching metals slides.”

There’s an entire Separate Sack Suspensory culture that I’m naive to. Let’s keep it that way.

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This is a vibrating finger for your gums, recommended by dentists. And you’ll appreciate how healthy your wife’s gums are when she makes her “O” face.

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I don’t doubt this product is in a class by itself, because God would not subject humanity to the kind of monster that would make such a product in multiples of 2.

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Ships with a gum massager.

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Well, okay, as long as they’ve been approved by the AAU I’ll put em on.

It says they are easy to inflate.

Hmmm.

Are these Dutch Oven pants?

If farting into your pants could help you lose weight Michael Moore would never have gotten fat in the first place.

I call bullsh!t on the fart pants.

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Price? First batch is free.

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The pistol squirts pesticides at flies. It says it won’t harm the walls or drapes. That’s because your walls and drapes are not alive.

It will, however, harm your chihuahua.

ht/ Irony Curtain

20 Comments on Odd Vintage Ads

  1. Too bad Obama’s birthday just passed. I’m sure he would have loved receiving a Rector Rotor as a gift from an anonymous detractor in ZIP Code 10704.

  2. The liquid fly killer gun is back around only this time it shoots a blast of salt. Gee, I’ll bet that’s a lot easier to clean up. I wonder whether the “Dog in a Sack” would have rescued Romney’s candidacy?

  3. We came across a 3-piece set of vintage buttplugs at auction once, they got thrown in with a bunch of other crap we bought. Once we got them home they went right in the trash. Later on, I did an eBay search and the set sells (USED) for about 50 bucks. Ahh well, easy come easy go.

  4. Eternal Cracker: Why would you need a 3-piece set of butt plugs? Do you work your way up to progressively bigger ones? On second thought, never mind; I don’t want to know.

  5. @ironyCurtain: What??? Your x-ray glasses didn’t work for you? Mine worked perfectly, and I was able to see though women’s clothing, bank vaults, and pretty much everything else. Just so long as it wasn’t made out of lead.

    — Clark Kent.

    😇

  6. I wonder if the Secret Service would get involved if someone used the Liquid Fly Killer Gun to kill King Putt’s pet face fly!

  7. This is a vibrating finger for your gums, recommended by dentists. And you’ll appreciate how healthy your wife’s gums are when she makes her “O” face. wow THOSE GUMS LOOK HEALTHY…. BUT WHERE ARE YOUR TEETH?

  8. Finally, a cod piece with no chafing metal straps! Me and me droogs will have a field day with these! We’ll be singing in the rain!

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