A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending
divorce. He asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my
husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “we have a two-car carport and have never
really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your
marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t
necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question
is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier
than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you
want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never
wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t
communicate with me.”
*
h/t Doc
“Ma’am, do you have a backup?”
“My back is fine. And I’ll ask you to not get so personal with your questions,young man!”
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens’ center.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time
for the star of the show- Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
“Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from
his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch” said Claude, holding the
watch high for all to see.
“It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for
six generations” said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, “Watch the watch — Watch the watch —-Watch the watch.”
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming
surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently
swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact”
“SHIT” said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ‘ Center.
Beautiful, Frank!
Oh, is it corny joke night? OK, I’m game.
What do you get when you cross a cat with a Tyrannosaurus Rex?
A town without dogs.
That’s funny, I understood her perfectly. 😉
LOL! I forwarded this one on to my email list. They’ll understand it!
A 4th grade teacher was instructing her class about physical science. So she asked the class if anyone could name the elements. Little Jimmy raised his hand and the teacher called on him.
Jimmy said, “Well, there’s fire.”
“Yes,” said the teacher. “That’s correct.”
“And earth…and air…and…um…water…”
“Very good!”
“…and fucking.”
The teacher was startled and asked, “Jimmy, why did you say that last thing?”
Jimmy answered, “Well, I overheard my mother tell her best friend that when my dad is into fucking, he’s in his element.”
Then the judge asked “Is he a big nagger”? To which the lady replied “Naw, he’s a little bitty white fella”