TownHall: This Thanksgiving Day, there are many things that I’m thankful for, things that are a blessing in my life, and many things that are a traumatic source of pain to my enemies. Often, they are both at the same time. Now, I’m not sure if I’m doing Thanksgiving right by being thankful for the failure and misery of people who are bad, but I’m also thankful that I don’t care about such conundrums.
Anyway, here are some of the things that I’m thankful for this year…
I am thankful that Donald Trump is president, most of all because that means Felonia Milhous von Pantsuit is not president. I could stop here and end this column, but my editors insist on a higher word count.
I am thankful for my editors and their patience.
I am thankful for a couple of senators who used to drive me up the wall. In the last couple years, Mitch McConnell completed his unlikely transformation from Yerlte the RINO Turtle into the Judicial Avenger who vanquished Merrick Garland and confirmed Kegger Kavanaugh. He’s skillfully tormented the Democrats and is in the midst of packing our court with a bunch of actual judges as opposed to a crowd of pinko robed activists. This is everything we dreamed of for decades and it’s happening.
First you get the Senate, then you get the White House, then you get the SCOTUS. I am all about Cocaine Mitch.
I am thankful for Lindsey Graham. There are five words that I never expected to type in that order. But the way he threw down in the Kavanagh fight was awe-inspiring. I am so thankful that I am even prepared to forget his two greatest transgressions, his embrace of John McCain‘s habit of infuriating fellow conservatives, and his membership in the Air Force JAG Corps.
I am thankful the Paul Ryan is gone, having hopped the train to Failuretown, Population: Paul Ryan. Not that we would notice that he vanished. The only time we ever heard from the ex-Speaker was when he was clutching pearls over something Trump said. I wish he was useless, because that would’ve been a huge improvement. The loss of the House was largely his fault. I eagerly await his upcoming book, 50 Shades of Meh.
I am thankful Mitt Romney is the new senator from Utah. Wait, I’m not thankful for that. He’s a very, very annoying man. He’s got binders full of boring.
I am thankful I haven’t heard much from Ben Sasse lately. He’s probably avoiding helping us out in our current death struggle with the forces of leftist fascism by writing his next book, 50 Shades of None of You Are Meeting My Expectations. His words are like needles pounded into my ears, even when I agree with them.