Tonight’s joke – IOTW Report

Tonight’s joke

A man is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.  His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

“My son, Bob, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.

“My daughter Susan, you take the apartments over in the east end.”

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as the man slips away, the nurse says,  “your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.

The wife replies, “The idiot had a paper route.”

-Mr. Saddleburr

29 Comments on Tonight’s joke

  1. My friend pulled a good one on me recently. But it doesn’t work in print. It’s a phonetic joke.

    What’s between fear and sex?

  2. An old man died. He had three sons. All of his money was to be equally divided between his sons providing they would bury him with half their inheritance. The old man wanted to take it with him.

    At the burial site son number 1 threw his portion of the money into the grave, son number 2 did the same. Son number three threw in a check.

  3. I’ll check back tomorrow to see if anyone figured it out. Won’t be hard at all for some here.

    Good night. God bless.

  4. @Zonga: Here’s a better version of that joke:

    A father told his three sons when he sent them to the university: “I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my casket when I die.” His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the casket, they remembered his wish. First, it was the doctor who put ten $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer’s turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father’s casket, and took the $2,000 cash.


  5. It must be the dregs of Wednesday here. I’ll need a beer and
    a re-read.

    But the lawyer one Vietvet did bring a grin.

  6. I knew it wouldn’t be hard for this crowd. Even if I didn’t set it up with the phonetic clue, I’m sure the results would be the same.

    FDR for the win. VV for the detail. Y’all can arm wrestle over it if you disagree.

    Uncle Al – while you are correct – not the question. 😀 But nice addition to the riddle. I mean subtraction. Wait, I mean. Ah never mind.

    What was “good” about my friend getting me is I’m the one that can count in Deutsch `til I drop. Right over my head and he knows almost nothing about the language. Got me.

    Love hanging out with you jeenyuses.

  7. Love my job but talking to a panicked customer at 2am tends to wake me up for a while.

    It’s just a raccoon! Put some cat food out for it and go back to bed. Or shoot it and go back to bed. Either way, pick up the cat food bowl at night and bring it in from now on.

    No, I’m not coming out to shoot it myself and if the local police are such close friends that it wouldn’t natter – CALL THEM TO SHOOT IT.

    Half my job is calming their fears. I might be good on the suicide hotline. Unless it’s a lib. “You’re right. There is no point in going on and your mother always hated you. She’s on line 2 and told me what you did last Summer. Shame on you.”

  8. @Dadof4: How can you give FDR the win when he didn’t provide the answer? You know he and Hitler were both notorious liars. I mean, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.


  9. @Vietvet:

    @Dadof4: How can you give FDR the win when he didn’t provide the answer? You know he and Hitler were both notorious liars. I mean, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

    It’s twice as bad as that! He doesn’t have zwei legs to stand on!

  10. OK … I don’t get it …
    zwei are little crackers that babies eat … and :FUNF” is a cornym for “I Don’t Give a Fuck: so what’s the hell going on here?

  11. Guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a Non Sequitur.

    …So the bartender hives him one.

  12. OK … OK … What goes a hunert milesa nowr?
    A Frog!
    Get it? Ha ha ha ha … ow .. wait …………

    I fergot bout the red and green and the blender part …

  13. Joey,
    4 in German is pronounced “fear,” and 6 is pronounce “sex.”
    The difference between fear (4) and sex (6) is zwei (2).

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