Conservative, Progressive or Muslim?

Quiz by Merry Mouse

Match A, B and C with Conservative, Progressive or Muslim.

Your favorite scent is:

A. Gunpowder

B. Patchouli

C. Fresh blood

When your sister is raped, you:

A. Hunt down the bastard and drag him to the cops.

B. Hope the rapist isn’t your boyfriend.

C. Kill your sister.

When a Jewish person steps in front of you, you say:

A. “Excuse me, sir?”

B. “Typical Zionist!”

C. “Death to Israel!”

When a Christian steps in front of you, you say:

A. “After you, brother.”

B. “Typical Christo-fascist!”

C. “Death to infidels!”

As a concerned parent, you make sure your kids know how to:

A. Punch a bully.

B. Blame the patriarchal hetero-normative Zionist hegemony for all their problems.

C. Stab a Jew or infidel.

Your favorite prayer is

A. Our Father

B. Oh God, I hope I’m not pregnant!

C. Allahu akbar!

(For guys)

When you see an attractive woman on the street, you:

A. Whistle

B. Wonder if she’s a transgender

C. Take her home as a sex slave

(For gals)

When you see a handsome man at work, you:

A. Bring him cookies

B. Bring him up on false sex harassment charges

C. What is work?


Please feel free to add to these in the comments.


22 Comments on Conservative, Progressive or Muslim?

  1. You are in a shop when a guy with a gun runs in, shouts “Allahu Akhbar!”, and tries to rob the cashier. A fellow patron pulls out his concealed 1911 and blows a large hole through the perp’s head. You:
    A. Say to the shooter, “Thanks! Nice shot!”
    B. Call the cops to report an islamophobic hate crime.
    C. Stab the shooter in the neck and cut his head off.

  2. An izlamic extremist terror group is taking over parts of the world. You say:
    A. They’re the JV team.
    B. They’re not a threat to our land.
    C. Bomb the shit outta them!

  3. Your neighbor erects a flag pole and flies Old Glory

    A. You helped him construct it, and now two of you have a flag pole flying Old Glory

    B. You burn a flag in his driveway, and throw a bottle of ketchup through his car window

    C. Kill them, kill them all

  4. Even Steven and I were thinking the same thoughts, but beat me to the post button cause I had a phone call. I am posting anyway.

    You are at the local Tractor Supply & Feed store and while a farmer is shopping inside, a goat jumps out of his truck and trots across the parking lot.
    Do you:
    A. Help the farmer corral the animal back into his truck and then talk about the ammo sale at Cabela’s across the street.
    B. Help the goat escape because man has no right to enslave animals.
    C. Start playing Al-Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” on your 8 track and lure the sexy creature to your van.

  5. You’re a woman driving alone when a tire blows out. You do one of the following:

    – Get out your well-maintained spare and change it because your daddy taught you how ‘just in case’ and ‘just in case’ your Sig 226 is on your person.

    – Curse, rant, rave at the misogynistic men who made a tire guaranteed to blow while a feminist was driving. Rant and rave some more when you can’t find a transgender gay it with a PhD to come fix it.

    – Get lashed with a whip and beheaded for driving

    PS As a concerned parent you teach your kids how to punch in the stomach and other soft parts and use an implement on the hard parts like the skull.

  6. After witnessing a formerly civilized country taken over by islamic vermin and destroyed such that the people in it are starting to spread to other civilized countries do you say:
    1. Oh the poor dears they need our help let them into our country and sign them up for our generous welfare programs.
    2. They are being rewarded for their faith and determination in their just war against the infidel
    3. Let’s take off, nuke the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

  7. When you get your daily newspaper you open it up to:
    A) Head for the news section to see what obama effed up today.
    B) Head right for the entertainment section to see what the Kardashians are wearing.
    C) Go straight to the comic section to make sure no one had drawn a picture of Mohammed and if so a head must go!

  8. You’re on a train and the guy next to you takes his dick out – do you

    A – Yell “what the f#ck you G.D. fag” and move to another car.

    B – Say “celebrate the differences” and start masturbating.

    C – Yell “Allahu Cockbar!!” – sodomize him, then throw him off the train when you reach a trestle.

  9. Some kid named ClockMed draws large, full color pictures of Mohammed fornicating little boys and male goats. You think:

    A. Ha Ha Ha!
    B. You are giving terrorists the rationale to murder us!
    C. I’ll invite him to the White House for a bit of sodomy and then see that he ends up in Qatar where he can be killed.

  10. You are a woman or frail man who desires to be a firefighter.
    You take the physical test and fail:

    1) You train your butt off, lose weight, become the best you can be and take the test again and pass. If not you move on to something else.

    2) You raise hell and say the test is sexist and misogynist.
    You sue the hell out of the fire department and a judge makes them give you a test you can pass.
    Never mind that peoples lives will be at stake.
    You feel empowered because you stuck it to the man.
    You then injure yourself through your own corpulent negligence and once again sue the department.

    3) You set fire to a large building and call in a bomb threat elsewhere that will divert the firemen for maximum carnage.
    The firemen are short handed because of affirmative action.
    You shout “alluha ackbar” and go lick a goat’s ass to savor the victory.

  11. You see Netanyahu giving a UN speech, you say:

    A. Good speech BiBi. Now there’s a leader!

    B. Death to Israel!!!

    C. Death to Isreal!!!

  12. I loathe Israel.
    And I hate Netanyahu.

    But I’d LOVE to feel him breathing down my neck!
    The back of my neck …

    Oh, wait, that’s not what this thread’s about!

  13. At a Thanksgiving dinner you meet a relative who has come out as a gay man.


    1) Are comfortable in your own skin and don’t really want to know what goes on in other people’s bedrooms. You engage in normal, polite conversation.

    2) Demand that everyone respect this individual because he shoves his erect penis in another man’s ass…and you better learn to deal with it!
    Oh, and pass the gravy.

    3) Snatch this faggot by the hair, set his queer infidel ass on fire and toss him off the nearest five-story building.
    You then go screw a goat to espouse your virile manhood, praise Allah, pig blood unto him.

  14. You are born with dark skin pigmentation and lack of melanoma.
    No one in your family has ever been a slave.


    A) Succeed on the merits of your hard work and intellect.

    B) Achieve far and beyond what your abilities actually dictate due to affirmative action.

    C) Steal cigarillos and gangster front a small business owner, insult a police officer, try and take his gun, rush him since you are twice his size and bullet-proof. Die a false martyr, that likely would have spent his life causing death, destruction, sorrow and mayhem.

  15. The property next to your house has been rezoned so that “moderate moslems” can build a mosque in your peaceful residential neighborhood.


    A. Praise allahh

    B. Bake them some halal cookies, cower in fear, and do your best not to do anything they might see as “islamophobic”

    C. Take advantage of the rezoning and turn your house into a Church of the Perpetual Pig Races and Pork Barbeque. And take out the loud speakers with your aught six.

  16. Or, you could cover the ground with hog entrails, I hate chitlins.
    They sell them by the bucket here in the south.

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