1. I thought of quitting today, but then decided not to, so I came in late.
2. My hair caught on fire from my blow dryer.
3. I was detained by Homeland Security.
A new report revealed 12 of the most bizarre late-to-work excuses, and the list contains a bear, a lizard and a lot of Vaseline.
I’m sorry I am late. I was at an interview.
I’m late because as I was leaving for work this morning there was a knock on the door and it was an FBI agent wanting to ask me some questions about people I work with. He wouldn’t say if it was a background check or a criminal investigation. Either way, bugging out on him seemed like a bad idea.
What is that a photo of?
I would look it up but I’ve never seen one.
I’m late because as I was driving along the shore road a humongous flock of gulls flew overhead and crapped all over my car. It took a long time to clean it all off and then I had to go back home to shower and change clothes.
It’s called a “time card” Bill. It’s sort of like a golf card, but for peons.
4 words is all I’ve needed to say in my short professional career.
I had the fish.
Straight outta Airplane, and it worked every time.
Well there you go. I’ve never had a time card. Now I can look it up.
Do you carry it with you?
Like an ID?
No, your boss holds onto your time card. If you had one, Hillary would have it.
(Detroit excuse)
I’m late because there were two shootings last night at each end of my block. The cops had both intersections blocked off and I couldn’t get get out until the riots died down.
It can’t be all bad if yer day starts out with a lot of Vaseline on yer lizard…
I was late for work once. I stopped at the bank and it was being held up and I walked right in and got hit on the head by the butt of a shotgun.
I was there for hours, laying on the floor, out like a light.
At least that’s what they told me in the hospital.
Kinda have a fear of banks after that.
My sister has a time card story. When she went on dates she carried a time
card with her. She would show her date the card. If they knew it was a time card. the date was over. What an elitist snob. Right?
I came in late to make up for leaving early yesterday.
I had a death in the family………My goldfish died.
My garage door froze shut.
I won’t be in today, the voices in my head said that instead of coming to work, I should stay home & clean my hatchet collection
…works every time
either that or, “my stigmata is acting up again”
Frau Merkel said I didn’t have to come if I didn’t want to, Allahu Akbar,
I have decided that I’m really a cat…and cats don’t work.
I’m sorry I’m late for work..I had to stop at the store to get my Mom a six pack first.
A wild band of albino pygmies raided my house and stole all of my guns. And my best bottle of Scotch!
All of my guns were lost when my canoe overturned last night on the Ganges, and I felt so bad, I just couldn’t come to work today.
Atsa good one….
I’m calling in well.
I was out looking for a better job but all the other employers said they would never hire anybody who was stupid enough to work for this company.
For an hour or so I felt too good to come to work.
Oliver North was in my shower and wouldn’t come out. (Had a nightmare about that once.)
Your husband called me and wanted me to stop and see his etchings.
Please excuse the phone call I made yesterday. The one where I told you
to fuck off. I thought I won the lottery. but. I didn’t.
I wonder how many successful business managers she passed over by doing that.
?
I hope he didn’t try to contra dict you…
?
I’ve got a fund raiser in Vegas to rest up for. I don’t have time for a phone call from Bengazi.
Barack H Obama
I woke up with a problem with my vision,
I just couldn’t see myself going into work today.
…Hi, I am calling in well. the sun is shining, the leaves are rustling, and it’s just too dang nice to go into work today.
My brother’s monkey’s dog’s cousin heard a car backfire and he hit his head and he accidentally locked the keys to my car inside his gun safe…then he bit me..
Until it becomes an archived record, it sits in a holder next to a clock that imprints the time.
http://www.staples.com/Time-Clocks-Cards/cat_DP3901
In large companies, employees will file by the clock at the beginning and end of their work shift and get their card punched.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pte2zm98ZWg .
Many places of business will skip having a punch clock and will hand write the beginning and end times of the employee’s shifts.
I actually got a raise with that one. I was gone a whole day during the week checking out a better job and getting a physical for it.
They knew I was serious and not just blowing hot air about leaving for better pay.
While I became the highest paid “hourly” employee nat that factory, it still wasn’t enough for my budding family and I had to move on to greener pastures eventually.
Looking back now, I’m amazed I can earn in one hour now what we earned in one week back then.
Friday morning I had a telephonic hearing for the local Unemployment office to decide if my business should pay benefits.
The employee stated (and is the fact), that he walked off the job on a Wednesday because he thought we were going to fire him on Friday! No sh*t !!
Won’t know for another week who will win the unemployment claim, but I’m fairly confident.