Pensioner Keith Tyssen has been carefully trimming the hedge outside his Georgian terraced-home into the shape of a tastefully nude lady since 2005. However the 84-year-old say has been continually awakened in the early hours of the morning by “lowlifes” trying to straddle his bush which he had named “Gloria”.
Tyssen said he has to make regular repairs to the hedge and is now considering putting up a sign to address the issue. ‘Offensive, annoying and time consuming’ “You get drunks publicly undressed and having fun with her in the middle of the night,” said the three-dimensional metal designer from Sheffield. “I’ve been awakened many times – mainly by men and sometimes also by women messing about with her and making a lot of hysterical noises.
“About three weeks ago I looked out of the window about 4:30 in the morning and there was a man acting like he was shagging her.
ht/ cynic
Well, it beats having sex with a snowman.
https://uproxx.com/viral/mans-boner-freezes-from-drunken-sex-with-a-snowman/
Let me go out on a limb here and guess the problem stems from all of the budding attention to the bush of the topiary; just a simple root cause analysis, any blooming idiot can see this forest through the trees. Just don’t trim the bush, it may attract even more attention since this world is truly going to pot.
Mike_W that is one hell of a funny article from the British equivalent of The Weekly World News. This drunk Scottish guy must’ve been extremely hard up (pun intended) to screw a snowman while drunk. If that had been on an American newsstand and I read it there I’d probably have to be taken out of there with a butterfly net because I was laughing so hard. This article is sheer comedy gold of the best idiotic slapstick kind of humor. Who knows maybe the poor guy has a frigid wife or girlfriend if he even has one and he thought he was just screwing the old lady in a drunken stupor.
Wonder if it’s really “Asian youths” doing it.
you know what they say, build it and they will come.
I still remember hearing G Gordon Liddy on his radio program back in the early 90’s talking about a guy who drilled a glory hole into a pumpkin and was caught screwing a pumpkin while sitting on a park bench. And one of my favorite Rush stories from the early 90’s was about a teenage boy in Boise, Id. who had pierced his penis, pierced right thru the foreskin and was caught by the school authorities when he was showing it off to his buddies. I was at work and listening to Rush that morning with a bunch of co workers and we were all laughing our asses off at this dumbass kid. Some people will screw anything including horses which has happened in Wash. State and made us the laughing stock of the nation.
should have used gorse…
I advise some strategically placed poison ivy in the shrubbery.
McDougal
JULY 29, 2018 AT 9:09 AM
“should have used gorse…”
I was thinking Poison Oak,
You can take the boy out of the country…
“Quit raping my bush.” Heh.
I’m thinking more along the line of one of these.
https://www.flemingoutdoors.com/bridger-2-coil-spring-foot-trap-4-coiled.html