A buddy of mine had a natural gas line rupture and blow up a chunk of one of his dairy farm pastures. He was left with a lot of evaporated milk.
2
Sometimes obvious dad jokes are the hardest to get like this one from last month’s daily dad jokes calendar. I had to explain this one to my daughter, I was hospitalized due to a peekaboo accident. They put me in the ICU.
7
Two old men, Ralph and Larry, sitting on a park bench feeding the pigeons and talking about baseball.
Ralph turns to Larry and asks, “Do you think there’s baseball in Heaven?”
Larry thinks about it for a minute and then replies, “I dunno, but how ’bout we make a deal on it. If I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in Heaven. If you die first, you do the same.”
They shake on it and then, a few months later, old Ralph passes on.
Afterwards, Larry is sitting in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice from out of nowhere whisper, “Larry… Laaaaarry….”
Larry: “Ralph! Is that you?”
“Yes it is, Larry,” whispers the ghost of Ralph.
Larry, amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in Heaven?”
Ralph’s ghost: “Well, I got some good news and some bad news.”
Larry: “Gimme the good news first,”
Ralph’s ghost: “Well, there IS baseball in Heaven!”
Larry: “Boy! That’s swell! What’s the bad news then?”
Ralph’s ghost sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”
5
Joey Biden got 81 million votes!
5
Two blonds were walking along the beach in southern CA and one burst into tears.
The other said “Honey, what’s wrong?”
The one in tears said “The doctor says I’m pregnant!”
After thinking for a few seconds the other asked “Well, are they sure it’s yours?”
2
Not That Anonymous – This one should dovetail right in …
A beautiful Redhead walks into the doctor’s office.
When asked what’s the problem was she answered: “Everything hurts”
The doctor said: “What do you mean everything hurts?”
The beautiful Redhead took her index finger and touched her ankle and said “Ooooh, that hurts!”
Then she touched her thigh with her index finger and said: “Ooooh, that hurts!”
Then she touched her stomach with her index finger and said: “Ooooh, that hurts!”
Then she touched her head with her index finger and said: “Ooooh, that hurts!”
The doctor said: “Ok stop. Yer not a real Redhead are you?”
Perplexed, she said: “Ah, no… I’m really a blonde. How did you know?”
Doctor: “Yer finger’s broke”
6
OLD TIMER SEX
The husband leans over and asks his wife “Do you remember the first time we had sex over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you!
Yes, she says ‘I remember it well.’
O.K., he says, how about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times sake?’
Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good a idea!
A police officer sitting in the next booth overhears their conversation and
having a chuckle to himself, He thinks to himself, “I’ve got to see these old timers having sex against a fence”. I’ll keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.
The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support
aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the Tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his pants.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about an hour laying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes he says to them, “excuse me, but that was something else.
You must have had a fantastic sex life together. “Is there some sort of secret to this”?
Shaking the old man is barely able to reply. “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence”!——
6
Speaking of Old Timer stuff –
I wuz standing at the bar one night minding my own business when this fat ugly chick comes up behind me, grabs my ass and sez:
“You’re kinda cute. You gotta phone number?”
I said: “Yeah, you gotta pen?
She said: “Yeah, I got a pen”.
I said: “You better get back in it before the farmer misses you!”
Cost me a few stitches, but Hey!… when yer over seventy…………who gives a shit?
3
Zelensky, getting in a word on the Trump-Biden golf challenge:
I can beat Trump with my tiny piano plunker.
2
What do you call 6 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
I may have posted this one before, can’t remember….and I’m hoping you can’t remember either.
3
A Mexican national brings a wheelbarrow full of sand through the Customs gate. The agents search in the sand and find nothing and lets him enter the United States.
Finally, after a month of this one of the agents pulls him aside and says, “Listen, I know you’re smuggling something across the boarder and it’s drivin me crazy. I’m retiring next week so I don’t care what you’re doin but ya gotta tell me what it is.”
The Mexican national takes a quick look around then leans in towards him and says, “Carretillas.” (wheelbarrows)
2
That’s an old joke about a receding hare line. I have been bald on top for the past 25-30 years and can sic bears on smartass kids just like Elisha did when they made fun of his bald head.
A buddy of mine had a natural gas line rupture and blow up a chunk of one of his dairy farm pastures. He was left with a lot of evaporated milk.
Sometimes obvious dad jokes are the hardest to get like this one from last month’s daily dad jokes calendar. I had to explain this one to my daughter, I was hospitalized due to a peekaboo accident. They put me in the ICU.
Two old men, Ralph and Larry, sitting on a park bench feeding the pigeons and talking about baseball.
Ralph turns to Larry and asks, “Do you think there’s baseball in Heaven?”
Larry thinks about it for a minute and then replies, “I dunno, but how ’bout we make a deal on it. If I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in Heaven. If you die first, you do the same.”
They shake on it and then, a few months later, old Ralph passes on.
Afterwards, Larry is sitting in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice from out of nowhere whisper, “Larry… Laaaaarry….”
Larry: “Ralph! Is that you?”
“Yes it is, Larry,” whispers the ghost of Ralph.
Larry, amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in Heaven?”
Ralph’s ghost: “Well, I got some good news and some bad news.”
Larry: “Gimme the good news first,”
Ralph’s ghost: “Well, there IS baseball in Heaven!”
Larry: “Boy! That’s swell! What’s the bad news then?”
Ralph’s ghost sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”
Joey Biden got 81 million votes!
Two blonds were walking along the beach in southern CA and one burst into tears.
The other said “Honey, what’s wrong?”
The one in tears said “The doctor says I’m pregnant!”
After thinking for a few seconds the other asked “Well, are they sure it’s yours?”
Not That Anonymous – This one should dovetail right in …
A beautiful Redhead walks into the doctor’s office.
When asked what’s the problem was she answered: “Everything hurts”
The doctor said: “What do you mean everything hurts?”
The beautiful Redhead took her index finger and touched her ankle and said “Ooooh, that hurts!”
Then she touched her thigh with her index finger and said: “Ooooh, that hurts!”
Then she touched her stomach with her index finger and said: “Ooooh, that hurts!”
Then she touched her head with her index finger and said: “Ooooh, that hurts!”
The doctor said: “Ok stop. Yer not a real Redhead are you?”
Perplexed, she said: “Ah, no… I’m really a blonde. How did you know?”
Doctor: “Yer finger’s broke”
OLD TIMER SEX
The husband leans over and asks his wife “Do you remember the first time we had sex over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you!
Yes, she says ‘I remember it well.’
O.K., he says, how about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times sake?’
Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good a idea!
A police officer sitting in the next booth overhears their conversation and
having a chuckle to himself, He thinks to himself, “I’ve got to see these old timers having sex against a fence”. I’ll keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.
The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support
aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the Tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his pants.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about an hour laying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes he says to them, “excuse me, but that was something else.
You must have had a fantastic sex life together. “Is there some sort of secret to this”?
Shaking the old man is barely able to reply. “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence”!——
Speaking of Old Timer stuff –
I wuz standing at the bar one night minding my own business when this fat ugly chick comes up behind me, grabs my ass and sez:
“You’re kinda cute. You gotta phone number?”
I said: “Yeah, you gotta pen?
She said: “Yeah, I got a pen”.
I said: “You better get back in it before the farmer misses you!”
Cost me a few stitches, but Hey!… when yer over seventy…………who gives a shit?
Zelensky, getting in a word on the Trump-Biden golf challenge:
I can beat Trump with my tiny piano plunker.
What do you call 6 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
I may have posted this one before, can’t remember….and I’m hoping you can’t remember either.
A Mexican national brings a wheelbarrow full of sand through the Customs gate. The agents search in the sand and find nothing and lets him enter the United States.
Finally, after a month of this one of the agents pulls him aside and says, “Listen, I know you’re smuggling something across the boarder and it’s drivin me crazy. I’m retiring next week so I don’t care what you’re doin but ya gotta tell me what it is.”
The Mexican national takes a quick look around then leans in towards him and says, “Carretillas.” (wheelbarrows)
That’s an old joke about a receding hare line. I have been bald on top for the past 25-30 years and can sic bears on smartass kids just like Elisha did when they made fun of his bald head.