I knew a guy that owned a body shop and he had paid goons dent people’s cars parked in his area in hopes it would drive up business. To think I felt that was pretty low.
Pfizer Inc. dropped their new COVID variant and accompanying vaccine Thursday at midnight, much to the delight of CDC officials. The new vaccine is reportedly shown to be 90% effective against the COVID variant Pfizer created in their lab.
“First there was the dream, now there is reality,” said Pfizer CEO Albert “Dirty Berty” Bourla from his planet-orbiting space fortress. “They said it couldn’t be done — that it was unethical — but we showed them!”
He elaborated, “A new variant is scary. That’s why we wanted to make sure the vaccine was ready to go right away. We had a lot of experience from causing myocarditis and then treating it, which was a big help.”
Pfizer scientists have been working double time to get both products ready for simultaneous release using a process they call “directed evolution.”
“First, we create a new virus variant,” explained Dr. Dumas, Pfizer’s head of bioweaponry. “Then, we get tons of people sick on purpose.”
“Ta-da! Directed evolution!”
Experts suggest Pfizer’s radical approach to virus treatment may be tantamount to an abusive relationship, but that’s okay because we probably deserve it.
“I’d suggest we investigate this immediately,” said Congresswoman AOC. “But I don’t want to burn any bridges. I might have to get a job there someday.”
According to sources, doctors across the nation are looking to boost their business with similar attempts at Directed Evolution. “First I break their kneecaps, and then I bandage them up. Medicine!” said one Detroit doctor.
Brought to you by a company that has a veterinarian for a CEO.
Imagine that! It’s as if an anti-computer virus company, I have a whole division to create new computer viruses!
And a 100% lethal.
Pfizers Fucked
HA HA
CHARADES THEY ARE
Money Grubbing Monkey Fucking Turds
Paranoia strikes deep
I know the Babylon Bee is satire, but this is very close to the truth. Only the orbiting space fortress was a bit far out.
Isn’t there a comet out tonight?
Where is the best FOV?
I wish I could laugh at this. I have lost my sense of humor on this issue.
As far as I am concerned Biden, Fauci and all of the evil henchmen should be hanging from lampposts around the White House.
But Justice never happens in DC.
Grab your ankles and say thank you sir. May I have another.
I just watched the Project Veritas video. This is not satire.
Zonga,
Pizza Paddle!
Kind of like a Zen Riddle
I create the vaccine but first I have to make the virus
If DOCTOR Bourla hasn’t been spayed or neutered yet, I volunteer to do that with my utility knife. Free of charge, so long as the Federal Government funds my effort.
Lil Zongas
No, it’s not. And it’s getting more blatant by the hour.